The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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