She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
