Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
