saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we're making bets on your personal life
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Is it penis luge time yet?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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