You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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