this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
