THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
