Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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