Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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