I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
