I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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