so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
