I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
