allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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