In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
