my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
