did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
