Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Found your dick twin last night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
