this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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