I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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