I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize