so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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