my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
