I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
