just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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