WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
