3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
