Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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