My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize