Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
