Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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