If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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