You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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