Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
