On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
