matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
3 2 1 whiskey
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
