I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
