Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
