Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
