Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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