i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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