It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
