Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
