If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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