So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
