I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
