He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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