please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
