Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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