My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
