Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize