i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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