Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm bleeding and have questions
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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