I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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