I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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