A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
